My boyfriend hasn’t made a date with me in 4 years and refuses to be intimate. When do I finish it?

Question: “My boyfriend and I have been dating for six years now. We started dating in 11th grade, but we’ve basically been better together since 8th grade. We even went to college together and now share an apartment. C he’s a great guy, and has always been my best friend, even before we started dating.

When we started dating, it was amazing. He was the most romantic and best boyfriend ever. I was obsessed with him and felt like the luckiest girl in the world. That being said, over time and we went to college, he stopped wanting to be intimate with me as much as usual, stopped buying me flowers, didn’t take me on dates. you for about four years and rarely compliments me. Every time we’re intimate it’s because I initiate him, and most of the time he’ll shut me down about four times before he agrees and wants to do anything.

I’ve bawled my eyes out and talked to him about it probably over 75 times in the last four years, even asking him if he still loves me and telling him if he doesn’t he should just leave me. He always responds that he’s so in love with me and thinks I’m so beautiful and apparently enjoys being intimate with me, but has a bad way of showing it. Apparently mentally for him he finds it very difficult to do anything romantic with me because he’s just not good at it which I know is a lie because the first two years of dating he was something out of a movie with how cute and romantic he was. I do not really know what else to do. Aside from all the romantic and intimacy issues, we get along great, and when we’re intimate, that’s fine. I just feel like I shouldn’t always be the one initiating it.

Should I walk away? My boyfriend moved in after only a few months and then completely changed.

I feel like her lack of romance gave me second thoughts and caused me to have body issues and be somewhat anxious. At this point I don’t know what to do, as I told her how I feel and it’s still “I’m working on it”, but there has been little to no progress, and I’m not sure. may continue to feel that way for another year. What should I do?”

To respond: A regular co-host of my “Two Hot Takes” podcast, Lauren Rolfe, dealt with something very similar in a past relationship. I think she would be a great person to answer your problem, so I’m going to suggest she steps in. Lauren, what do you think?

Lauren Rolfe is a frequent guest co-host of the podcast

Lauren Rolfe is a frequent guest co-host of the “Two Hot Takes” podcast. She lives and works in Los Angeles as a corporate account executive for a recruiting agency.

“When it comes to a committed relationship, I recommend focusing on how you feel versus what your partner says. It doesn’t matter if your partner says they love you or respect you 100 times a day if you don’t feel like you’re receiving love and respect the way you want Sometimes we gravitate toward familiarity, security, and our routine, which is why it’s easy to stay in a situation we’re not happy with Now, that might not be your case, but it’s something I’ve noticed with friends and family in their relationships, especially when it comes to the partners they’ve started dating with. dating at an early age.

My husband’s best friend lives with us: Can I fire him?

You’ve been with your partner for a while and it’s easy to imagine the potential you might have and ignore the reality of where they are. If you feel like you’ve communicated your needs effectively and there hasn’t been any change, it’s time to look into what’s best for you. Usually, women check relationships emotionally before making the decision to end them. So you may already have the answer to your problems, but you may be avoiding it because it’s scary to act. And while change can be scary, sometimes growing is necessary. However, you can decide to give your relationship another chance, and that is also acceptable.

If you decide to stay with your partner, I recommend looking into love languages ​​and attachment styles. The way people show their love can be very different. Love languages ​​were grouped into five categories: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and gifts. There are many books on this subject that can help you further explore your needs, your partner’s needs, and how both needs can be met while fostering a deeper connection between the two of you.

In my past, I was in a relationship where my partner and I had completely different love languages ​​and that caused conflict. Something that really helped us understand each other better was taking an online love languages ​​quiz separately and talking about our results together afterwards. Through this exercise, I realized that I was so focused on how I wanted to feel love from him that I wasn’t thinking about how he wanted to feel love from me. Knowing more about him helped me give him space to communicate his feelings with me, which led to him hearing my needs more clearly as well. This is an intimate and vulnerable exchange, so be sure to give yourself grace and space to speak freely. To feel our partner’s love is the most fundamental emotional need in a relationship and you deserve to find it, whether in your current relationship or elsewhere.

Wishing you the best,

Morgana and Laurent

Morgan Absher is an occupational therapist in Los Angeles who hosts the “Two Hot Takes” podcast where she and her co-hosts provide advice. She writes a weekly column, sharing her tips with USA TODAY readers. Find her on TikTok @twohottakes and YouTube here. You can reach her by email at or you can click on here share your story with her.

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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Boyfriend relationship advice: he won’t take me on dates, refuses sex

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